I'm Not Rich

I'm up and feeling pretty good. The place is clean, went grocery shopping last night, and slept well. Yesterday morning was another story. Since we've moved in our agreement was to pay first last and security by November 1st. We've paid first and security by Oct 1st, and last has been a challenge.

Now I'm slapping myself in the head because I wrote out basically my whole post and while scrolling on my laptop somehow highlighted most all of it and when I hit space it deleted it. Then to my bemusement ctrl y did not do its job in redoing it! SHIT! Anyways...

So long story made short, I cried. I cried a lot. Because we were giving one last extension by our landlord to come up with the remaining amount of last months rent, on top of a regular rent. (That would be $1870!) We only owe $340 now, but that's on top of regular rent of $890. We have till January 1st. It will be done. But man calling him up and feeling like a failure and looking bad sucked balls.

Time to drink my Starbucks coffee and get ready for work...

Lazy Day

I don't feel much like myself lately. Adjusting to these medications could be why but I'm going through the motions. Insurance refused to cover Pristiq, and instead said they would cover Cymbalta, which I'm hearing is basically the same thing. With Wellbutrin alone, my anxiety is too elevated, and when I say anxiety I don't mean irrational worrying, it's more of not being able to sit still, extreme leg shaking and I seem to trip over my words which I never do (It feels like my tongue got stuck to the roof of my mouth) Having the antidepressant added brings these down a considerable amount.

Other than that I have no appetite, which I'm not complaining. I'm nauseous sometimes, and get headaches, until I eat something. It's hard to eat when you don't feel hungry. Thankfully I am not experiencing any insomnia as of yet, which makes me very happy. I've lost weight, and Matthew has noticed. I am too afraid to go on the scale. I just want more than anything to be at my normal (healthy) weight that I was even before my ED started. And I want more than anything to have a healthy regulated appetite that doesn't consist of crazy thoughts of extreme eating or restricting. Hmmmm...at least I'm feeling this way now, but it took me going back on medications, which makes me feel loony. More on this later I suppose...

I feel kind of blah right now. Day off, want to clean the apartment, go to the gym. But this big leather coach, and having wireless Internet finally working on my laptop again (after 4 months of not working!) I feel attached to sitting here and browsing the net for a while.

Sigh.

Life's a Marry-go-round

I'm back again. I suck at writing on a consistent basis, but I desperately want to urge to again. So now at this moment I have the urge, probably because of recent happenings.

I've been a miserable mess, and not that I couldn't see it or was denying it, I was only denying myself help. I would try and pray away my pain and horrible thoughts of wishing to die, but everyday still brought the same feelings. Everyday brought a tougher time trying to get out of bed and find a reason to even shower. I've realized my weight gain over the past months has been because of my depression. I relieved the depression the only way I knew how (well the only thing that would actually work temporarily) by eating. Nothing else worked. Forcing myself to read books, spending time with friends and family, etc). Even when doing things I used to enjoy I could not shake the miserable dread I felt all through my body, and the uncontrollable urge to eat. I was hating myself more and more everyday. My OCD was coming back in attempt to alive the anxiety, which only aggravated it more.

I was so sick of myself and how I felt, but had no desire or will to do anything about it. Writing that sentence makes me wanna cry, the pure frustration from this made me feel so helpless.

My boyfriend become so concerned about me, he went to my Dad and Gail, and shortly I received a call from Gail asking how I was. And of course I broke down. I called the doctor and made an appointment to get me back on medications. If I hadn't gotten that push I don't know where I'd be right now.

Thankfully since I've had a psychiatrist before, I know which mix of meds I need. At the time I can't go back to her since my insurance does not cover her services. I asked to be back on the Wellbutrin XL 150mg, and Pristiq 50mg. I was not ready for what my doctor informed me though.

Wellbutrin is covered on my insurance, but Pristiq isn't. And problem is there is no generic of it, which would be covered for me. Pristiq is $141 A MONTH. I started crying, and my doctor sent in a PA to try and get it covered. They denied. So now I have to wait until my Doctor gets back on the 23rd so she can personally call them, and hopefully they will. The only reason I got it free before is because my psychiatrist had weekly samples of it, and just gave me 4 at a time since she knew I wasn't covered.

Wellbutrin gets in your system fairly quickly, so I'm feeling relief already, and THANK GOD. The big difference is I'm feeling energy and desire to do stuff again. My doctor assured me not to feel bad that I had to come back to medications, and that going off them before might have been just to soon. (Cause soon as you feel happy are fine, you think its time to get off them...which in my case was not a good idea).

I also want to find a therapist. I would go to my old one, but honestly I just feel she was not hitting issues I needed to work on. In better terms I didn't feel she was aggressive enough in questions, and didn't offer exercises, and was not focusing on my ED like I wanted. I mostly talked and half the time I didn't know what to talk about. I guess I'm saying I need more guidance in my recovery. I'm going to contact the hospital I went to, and ask which therapists they know around that will take the insurance I have.

I feel victorious and at the same time a failure, that I'm back to where I was last year before I went to the hospital. This shit sucks.

Busy Month

This month will for sure be a busy one, and I hope and pray to God I can handle it without resorting to mindless eating. If it's not one thing it's another when it comes to my ED. I've experienced/had every ED there is, and currently I'm working on staying out of the over eating spectrum.

I'm obviously not staying in touch with my feelings and emotions when the thought to munch on something yummy pops up when I'm not even hungry. It's painful because it reminds me so much of my childhood, when my mom was not emotionally there for me, and I turned to food to numb whatever was on my mind. And now having gained some weight since Matthew and I have been together makes it that much more uncomfortable and painful. I'm not liking my body and am especially not comfortable having someone show affection and desire towards it. I need to have patience, and focus on activities rather than food, what and when I'm eating. I know when I make my main focus food, my anxiety shoots up, my mind freezes, and I think the only way to ease the stress is to eat.

I need to blog more, and read blogs more. It so helps and I know it. I need to make this important time for me. I am not in therapy anymore. Laying in bed all day on my days off waiting for my anxiety and what I'd blatantly call my pissy-screw-life-I'm-fat mood to just disappear, isn't realistic or productive.

So as of October 1st, me and my love will be in our own place. I'm excited, nervous, anxious, happy, grateful. I need to take things slow and steady, and keep reminding myself it takes time to find and look for places, packing, unpacking, settling in. It will be OK.

Feeling Amess

I need to jump aboard the honesty train, not that I haven't been honest, technically I'm just keeping mum about yucky feelings that nag me during the day. Those one's that bring me down, make me feel weak and useless-so I ignore it to feel strong. Which is only a temporary fix that does more harm them good.

I've gained a substantial amount of weight in comparison to my lowest weight. I'm still in a healthy weight range for my body type and height, but don't like it. All my clothes don't fit right. I subconsciously blame it on the "relationship comfort" but that's not at all fair to Matthew (I'll be using full names now, I'm a-o-k with it). I can continue in a sense, blaming him for why I'm up X amount of pounds, but that doesn't help or fix my issues with my weight. I've gone into this irrational fear I will never loose this weight, and that I'll gain more, and tragically I'll end up back where I was 3 years ago-nearly obese. So I worry, with my mental scare tactics, and panic thinking the solution is to just break up with Matthew and that will make it better. He knows all about this, and made a good point I couldn't see. He isn't my eating disorder. I cannot take it out on him. I will not take it out on him. He notices I use punishment type methods to loose weight, which is what I'm used to. That makes me a pretty miserable type of person if you are around me. No fun and games, no smiling, all seriousness. Matthew sees this as crazy and its frustrating at times cause I want to be hard on myself, and of course he doesn't want me to feel that way. He like anyone else doesn't want to be around a mopey person.

I've got to work hard. Work hard on keeping healthy, working out, being happy, positive, reach out. I need to know this will be the key to loosing my pounds I gained. These are the reasons I lost weight in the first place (before ED reared it's ugly head). Because honestly looking back I put on the pounds because deep down I didn't feel I deserved everything I had, and I used eating to ease boredom, doubt, and confusion. This time ED is going to be in the back corner trying to get me anytime it can, but God, I have put so much time and effort into working with my ED, that I need to trust I can do it again without falling into that end again (Anorexia).

Thank you Erika, for nominating me as one of the blogs you see as brilliant. You know for sure you are in my top of all time. I'm sorry I've been a lazy ass and have not sent you that book, and I'm going to put it in my calender so it will get done!

Update

Hello! First off, my boyfriend M is doing well. He had surgery on his lung so another collapse is going to be nil. We're moving forward, and by October 1st we will be in our first apartment =)

I'm sorry for never updating (that is to those who even read my blog), and I hope no one got too worried. I don't know why I'm slacking with writing, it could be my busy schedule or that I feel I have nothing to talk about. And if I do it seems my energy is directed toward walking to my bed for some zzz's. Anywho, things are OK, not great, in terms of body-image wise. I'm heavier than I want to be, and I know these pounds are from being 'relationship comfortable.' Anyone been in that boat?

As for M, he wants to get in better shape too. More in terms of strength and cardiovascular, as his weight is low, and he could afford to gain at least 20lbs. We've been doing walks together, and I've taken him on my traditional 4 miler I like to do. We're doing our best to keep each other motivated.

Feel free to keep in touch with me via facebook, if you have one. I'm on there a lot!

Praying to God

I don't know what to think or do at the moment.

My boyfriend M hasn't been feeling well the past couple of days, cold like symptoms, then a sore throat yesterday. He felt much better today, and then suddenly he could barely breathe and his chest hurt. Collectively in the past he has collapsed his lungs (both once), and today at work the ambulance came and got him. He thinks one has collapsed again and I'm on the verge of crying and don't know what do to-and right now I can't do anything since I am at work, and running the store by myself. By the grace of God the store is empty for the time being.

I have a million scenarios running through my mind, thinking its nothing, to that he has a condition that will be there forever. Every time he gets a cold, will it spread to his lungs and send him in an ambulance?

Arggggh, I just want to be at the hospital with him!